I quit! Yup...I quit. I quit blogging. I quit thinking. I quit feeling. I quit WeightWatchers. I quit life some days. I don't think I'm ready to divulge all that has gone on in my life in a public forum, but I haven't exactly had an easy time the past few years. In short, life has been a roller coaster and I'm not sure who's running it, but they are not letting me off when I want. So in a desperate attempt to control some aspect of my life, I joined WeightWatchers and started blogging. And in my blog I talked about allergies and food and how great I was doing and my seizures, when in reality it was all a farce...all a charade, trying to trick my readers, or probably more myself, into thinking life was all roses and turkey burgers. Well, I'm blogging again, and I've joined Weight Watchers again. And I'm not saying that life is all roses and turkey burgers now, but I am willing to come onto my blog, this very public forum, and admit that the best I can do is say that I am a work in progress. That somewhere under the facade that I work so hard to keep, that one side of me smiles and tells everyone that I'm fine. And the other side of me hides deep, dark secrets and disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that are mine, not yours, and I have come to realize that no one is allowed to judge me. No one is allowed to come into my world, and try to tell me how I should think or feel or know and have never walked a step in my shoes.
So, I quit...because eating a Big Mac, or two, felt better than sticking with things. I couldn't even control my own emotions, how on earth was I going to calculate how many points were really in that secret sauce. So I ate...and I ate...and I ate...and I'm sad to report to my faithful followers, all what two of them, that I have gained lots back. Lots...and when I say lots I'm 274 lots...jeans that just a few months ago were going to go into the too big pile are now back in the too small pile. All my effort and all my trying and my running and my tallying points went down the drain. You see, my last round of sh!tasticness (I'm saying that's a word, even though the editor thingy wants to highlight it in yellow. Or maybe God's making it yellow, trying to shame me into coming up with a different word, but I call it like it is.) Where were we...oh yes, my last round of sh!tasticness came to a head in the month of October. And honestly, without leading you down a path that I'm not quite ready to post on an open forum, that October was jam-packed full of fun. So, honestly, I have a fear of October, which may be appropriate since it's the month of Halloween. I know that it's just a month. Trust me I know!! I've told myself that, friends have told me that, family has told me that, my therapist has told me that. But, seriously? The anxiety that I have about October is paralyzing, and it's starting earlier and earlier every year. I think that this year it actually started in mid-September. The worrying and analyzing my feelings, the stress...yeah...stress. And if you read back to some of my other posts, I AM A STRESS EATER!!!!!! Argh...so when October rolled around and I began my spiral downward (while trying to make myself look as normal as possible) I began to eat. And eat and eat and eat. Christmas came and New Years and I thought, "Whew!! It's all behind me and I can move forward." So, I started this blog. And that was great. I typed out my feelings, and my meals for the day. People cheered me on. I ate healthier and better. And life was grand. Or that was my plan to show everyone. So, I pushed forward and typed and ate great. And then I exploded. It was too much to take. Too much heartache and pretending that I was OK and struggling with my weight and feeling like the biggest failure in the world. A failure to my children. A failure to my family. A failure to my friends. A failure to God and my church. A failure to myself. So, I ate some more. Until finally, one day I realized, that my jeans didn't fit me anymore. What did I do? What happened? Why did I let myself get this way...AGAIN! I wallowed in my self-pity...and ate a little bit more. Then, I sucked it up and went back to WeightWatchers. I stepped on the scale, terrified at what it would say. I stepped off the scale and saw the number: 284. Ouch...I started sobbing, right in the middle of WeightWatchers. I don't weigh in at a meeting. They cancelled my meeting so I just run in to weigh in and be done. But I probably would have done the same thing even if there was a meeting. I bawled...I was devastated...it was like the final blow. What was I going to do? How was I going to survive this? What would I say to my friends and family? Why am I always such a failure when it comes to my weight. I mean, jeez, I have my Masters degree...you would think I could figure this out. But my leader, Michelle, took my hand and walked me to the wall of products. She opened one of the kits and took out a book. She said, "I know that you bought this when you came to me in January. Have you had a chance to look at it?" I shook my head as the tears poured down my face and I started doing that thing where you're sucking air awkwardly. She smiled and said, "I'm giving you homework. You need to go home, and pull your book out. Turn to page 15 and fill it out." I looked at what she was showing me and it was a page titled: Your Strengths. I shook my head and told her that I couldn't do that. She told me to not focus on the weight, that my strengths aren't tied to my weight. So, I told her I would try. On the page is a list numbered to 10. And here are the strengths that I added to that page that night:
1) I am good at playing the piano.
2) I do my best to be the best mom I can be
3) I am good at making cupcakes
4) I can make people laugh
5) I am very observant and notice everything...even little things
6) I try my best to be a good friend
7) I think I am smart
8) I like to entertain and host parties
9) I think that I am good at my job
10) I try to do my best to please everyone
Now that I feel like I'm on the mend from this latest fall off the wagon, I re-read my list. Tonight actually as I was thinking about what to put in my blog and I just have to say - What a pathetic list! If this was an assignment I had given to one of my kids at school, I would have had a talk with them. This list, although it does discuss some of my strengths, is full of "I think" and "I try" and I don't feel like that is good enough. Those phrases are what wraps me up in this cycle. Everyone I come into contact with would probably tell you how confident I am. How sure of myself I am. Well, people, it's all a facade. My personality leans more towards shy, believe it or not, but as I've grown up, I have forced myself to be the life of the party. The strong, confident person that most of you think I am. But my self-esteem is the lowest it has ever been and I continue through my days letting everyone think that I am confident and ready to take on the world.
So, in an effort to kick this thing off right, I'm re-writing my list the way it should have read in the first place. Not a half-hearted attempt at completing an assignment, but a list that I can refer to in those times when I feel my world is crumbling apart. When the Big Mac is on the table and I only have 9 points left for my day (Big Macs are 14 points by the way!). When I want to melt into a puddle and sob my day away. So...here's my new list, loosely based on the old one.
1) I play the piano, and it is my therapy. I play with emotion, and have brought many crowds to their feet throughout my 32 years of playing. I am very good at playing and I want to pass that on to my children.
2) I am the best mom in the world! Amelia and Emerson are happy, healthy, loved, and they know they are loved. I will not allow myself to feel guilty about leaving them to work because they NEED me to work so that we can have all of the things that we have. I give them exactly what they need, when they need it and we are the best family we can be!
3) I make cupcakes that make others happy. In the simple act of baking I have helped kids celebrate birthdays with owls and nail polish and Minnie Mouse. I have welcomed home a Navy dad from deployment. I have made people smile and oooh and aaah. I have formed bonds with my daughters as they helped me bake, even winning fair ribbons and having the experience of others thinking that our cupcakes were good too.
4) I am funny and joyful and fun to be around. I got my father's quick wit and I thank him for that. I can tell jokes and tell stories, and make people laugh...and that's all I want to do!
5) I am observant and notice everything. I see when people are hurting and need a friend. I see when someone is happy and needs someone to celebrate with. I notice when parents are angry and I need to change the direction of the conversation. I know when a kid needs an extra hug that day. I know when my own kids have had a tough day and we need to fix it with hugs and love and ice cream (or sorbet!).
6) I am a good friend! I'm a great friend. I love like I won't ever get hurt. I am loyal and compassionate and I take care of the people that are closest to me. I remember birthdays and anniversaries. I send cards when someone needs a pick-me-up. I love being a friend and I love having friends.
7) I AM smart. I graduated high school with a 3.997 GPA taking 6 AP classes, 1375 on my SATs, and 8th in my class of 410. I completed all the requirements to go to medical school. I graduated from UW with both a B.S. in Speech and Hearing Sciences and an M.S. in Speech-Language Pathology. I now have a successful career. I am smart.
8) I am very good at entertaining and hosting parties. I love the organization of it. The planning and decorating and getting the food together and cooking. I love having people in our house and I love being with people!
9) I am a great speech therapist. I love my job and I love working with the kids. I can assess a student and diagnose them with a speech or language disorder. I can set up treatment plans and take data (most of the time...HA!). I can exit kids knowing that I did the best job I could for that child. I am passionate about social skills and am constantly trying to better myself in that area.
10) I can only please ME. I can't please everyone and I'm never going to please everyone. I need to understand that I need to take care of me.
So...what is the point of this long, rambling blog post (and this is making the assumption that you continued reading this far)? I quit! But I'm back. And like the million times I've tried to lose weight before, it's a never give up attitude that counts. Life presents you with many challenges where you are going to want to quit. And I've come up with a good selection of them along the way. But, you can't quit! There is so much to see...so much to do...so much to live for! We are all struggling on this ride called life. Some of you may be in the same boat as me with weight being your struggle. Or heartbreak. Or cancer. Or death of a loved one. We all have things that happen where we would rather throw up our hands and quit. I'm guilty! Over the last few years I've quit many times. But I've always come back.
Make your list of at least 10 strengths, but make them like my second list. Confident. Sure. True to what others see about you. Because you can quit as many times as you'd like. Just make sure that you're getting back up. As I move through this life that I've been given, I suddenly realize there's one more thing to add to my list of strengths. I am a survivor and a fighter! And I'm not going to ever, ever quit!
Monday, May 6, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Down 2.8!
YES! Success for another week. After an iffy Sunday, I was happy to see, and be able to report back to you, that you can have one "mess up" day with WW and STILL lose weight! Because I didn't keep track of points at all on Sunday and I'm still down 2.8 for the week! That brings my total to 10.8 pounds in two weeks, or 46.2 down since I started this last time...which was a while ago...
Baby steps! That's the important thing for me to remember. I have noticed this time that I am much more aware of what I am putting in my mouth. The other day, yesterday I guess it was, when I had my little stressful day, I took two pieces of candy and set them on the counter. I picked up the first one to eat it and thought to myself, "What are you doing? You don't even WANT that candy. Put it away!" and I did! So, yay me! Every day, every meal, every bite is a lesson. A lesson in willpower...a lesson in perseverance...a lesson in who I am as a person, and not just a number on the scale. I am so so proud of those numbers that I am finding each week. And I will continue to be proud of those numbers, but it's even more than that! It's the things that make me want to do this. What makes me want to lose weight? I made a list...have you ever (if you have weight to lose) OR with ANY task? Make a list about WHY you are doing what you are doing. To sit down and write out your purpose is an awe-inspiring thing. SO, if you are feeling like you want to lose weight, or get healthier, or start exercising, list out why! Here's mine:
- To stay alive for my children. I can't imagine leaving my girls behind, knowing that they already lost one parent. I don't want to die and leave my children orphans.
-To be able to walk into any department store and know that I will be able to find at least one thing that will fit me.
-To be able to try on bracelets and necklaces and not have that last-minute panic that they're not going to fit.
-To be able to keep up with my friends on walks and not feel like I'm sucking away all the oxygen in the universe.
-To be able to go to an amusement park and not have anxiety about fitting on the roller coaster.
-To be able to move freely and gracefully (not sure this will EVER happen for me, no matter what size I am since I'm constantly tripping or falling over something)
-To join a volleyball team
-To run a 5K, and then a 10K
-To have more energy
-To be able to put my socks and shoes on without feeling like I'm in a cattle roping competition
-To be able to know there is any activity I will be able to do
-To feel prettier
-To gain confidence
-To enjoy life
This is just a partial list...there are 100 more things that I would put on here, and many things that were on the list when I started at 360 pounds that I've already gotten to check off! So, if you are wanting to start and needing some motivation, make your list! I'd love to see what other people add to theirs because maybe there are other people that just want to shave their legs without feeling like you're completing a triathlon. Or maybe there's one other person in the world that would like to walk without feeling like your thighs are applauding you! Reach out to each other for support! Work to reach your goals! I know that blogging has certainly helped focus me. Like I ate some cookies just now, and I was going to open another container and eat some more...or I'm thinking of the french fries that are still on Amelia's plate from dinner. BUT, because I'm blogging and thinking about you all reading about my binge, the french fries will go in the fridge for my kids for later...and the cookie package will remain in the fridge! So, THANK YOU!
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: One cookie that I found in the staff room at work...Grrr....
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with miracle whip and mustard, BBQ Popchips, satsumas, and pineapple
Dinner: Two Whopper, Jrs, small onion ring, a few fries
Dessert: Mini chocolate chip shortbread cookies
I'm planning on cooking something for dinner tomorrow, I think...I still have like half a pig in my fridge from football Sunday, but it might be time to move on from that for now. We'll see how I feel after work tomorrow!! :)
Baby steps! That's the important thing for me to remember. I have noticed this time that I am much more aware of what I am putting in my mouth. The other day, yesterday I guess it was, when I had my little stressful day, I took two pieces of candy and set them on the counter. I picked up the first one to eat it and thought to myself, "What are you doing? You don't even WANT that candy. Put it away!" and I did! So, yay me! Every day, every meal, every bite is a lesson. A lesson in willpower...a lesson in perseverance...a lesson in who I am as a person, and not just a number on the scale. I am so so proud of those numbers that I am finding each week. And I will continue to be proud of those numbers, but it's even more than that! It's the things that make me want to do this. What makes me want to lose weight? I made a list...have you ever (if you have weight to lose) OR with ANY task? Make a list about WHY you are doing what you are doing. To sit down and write out your purpose is an awe-inspiring thing. SO, if you are feeling like you want to lose weight, or get healthier, or start exercising, list out why! Here's mine:
- To stay alive for my children. I can't imagine leaving my girls behind, knowing that they already lost one parent. I don't want to die and leave my children orphans.
-To be able to walk into any department store and know that I will be able to find at least one thing that will fit me.
-To be able to try on bracelets and necklaces and not have that last-minute panic that they're not going to fit.
-To be able to keep up with my friends on walks and not feel like I'm sucking away all the oxygen in the universe.
-To be able to go to an amusement park and not have anxiety about fitting on the roller coaster.
-To be able to move freely and gracefully (not sure this will EVER happen for me, no matter what size I am since I'm constantly tripping or falling over something)
-To join a volleyball team
-To run a 5K, and then a 10K
-To have more energy
-To be able to put my socks and shoes on without feeling like I'm in a cattle roping competition
-To be able to know there is any activity I will be able to do
-To feel prettier
-To gain confidence
-To enjoy life
This is just a partial list...there are 100 more things that I would put on here, and many things that were on the list when I started at 360 pounds that I've already gotten to check off! So, if you are wanting to start and needing some motivation, make your list! I'd love to see what other people add to theirs because maybe there are other people that just want to shave their legs without feeling like you're completing a triathlon. Or maybe there's one other person in the world that would like to walk without feeling like your thighs are applauding you! Reach out to each other for support! Work to reach your goals! I know that blogging has certainly helped focus me. Like I ate some cookies just now, and I was going to open another container and eat some more...or I'm thinking of the french fries that are still on Amelia's plate from dinner. BUT, because I'm blogging and thinking about you all reading about my binge, the french fries will go in the fridge for my kids for later...and the cookie package will remain in the fridge! So, THANK YOU!
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: One cookie that I found in the staff room at work...Grrr....
Lunch: Turkey sandwich with miracle whip and mustard, BBQ Popchips, satsumas, and pineapple
Dinner: Two Whopper, Jrs, small onion ring, a few fries
Dessert: Mini chocolate chip shortbread cookies
I'm planning on cooking something for dinner tomorrow, I think...I still have like half a pig in my fridge from football Sunday, but it might be time to move on from that for now. We'll see how I feel after work tomorrow!! :)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Great Expectations...
My hopes were so high! There was a plan in place and it was perfect! Life has been admittedly super rough lately, like three years or more lately, and I finally had an idea in place that would be perfect! It would give me just enough umph to continue on in this crazy, roller coaster world. And then...disappointment. Slowly, one piece of my plan gave way and the entire idea crumbled away. I went from elated and hopeful to downtrodden and angry. Don't you hate when that happens?
I know it's not quite the optimistic post of yesterday where I was encouraging peace, love, and joy. But, it's hard to be optimistic when you had your heart set on something that ends up not happening. It kind of feels like just one more blow in a series of hard times. And although nothing will ever compare in magnitude to what has happened to my little family in the past, it's still hard to handle disappointment. BUT, there's also a lesson in it, I'm sure. God is holding me to task...making me realize that there is something bigger than me in this moment. That it's HIS plan, HIS timing, HIS path that I should be following. In the events of my life, quite often, I took control of the drivers seat. I wanted to save my sinking ship and I did my best to steer out of the storm. And in the moments when I felt like I was drowning, it only took a quick second for me to say, "God, this is out of my control. I'm sorry for pushing you aside, but I need you to help me out." and He would. Not always in the way I wanted, or expected...not in the time that I wanted it...not the answer that I needed, but in the way of HIS plans for me and my family.
So, as much as I wanted, or even NEEDED my perfect plan that I had hatched, I will suck it up and know that it didn't happen for a reason. Maybe something better is going to come along!!
Tomorrow is my second weigh in...I can't wait!!! Hopefully it's in the right direction :) Football weekend and a depressing loss from my Seahawks made for a rough eating day on Sunday...
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: Whole wheat English Muffin, 1 egg, and 2% milk cheese
Lunch: Two pineapple hot dogs, two whole wheat hot dog buns, pineapple, satsumas
Dinner: Pulled pork with coleslaw on a sesame bun, satsumas
Cross your fingers for a good weigh-in! I'll be checking in tomorrow night :)
I know it's not quite the optimistic post of yesterday where I was encouraging peace, love, and joy. But, it's hard to be optimistic when you had your heart set on something that ends up not happening. It kind of feels like just one more blow in a series of hard times. And although nothing will ever compare in magnitude to what has happened to my little family in the past, it's still hard to handle disappointment. BUT, there's also a lesson in it, I'm sure. God is holding me to task...making me realize that there is something bigger than me in this moment. That it's HIS plan, HIS timing, HIS path that I should be following. In the events of my life, quite often, I took control of the drivers seat. I wanted to save my sinking ship and I did my best to steer out of the storm. And in the moments when I felt like I was drowning, it only took a quick second for me to say, "God, this is out of my control. I'm sorry for pushing you aside, but I need you to help me out." and He would. Not always in the way I wanted, or expected...not in the time that I wanted it...not the answer that I needed, but in the way of HIS plans for me and my family.
So, as much as I wanted, or even NEEDED my perfect plan that I had hatched, I will suck it up and know that it didn't happen for a reason. Maybe something better is going to come along!!
Tomorrow is my second weigh in...I can't wait!!! Hopefully it's in the right direction :) Football weekend and a depressing loss from my Seahawks made for a rough eating day on Sunday...
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: Whole wheat English Muffin, 1 egg, and 2% milk cheese
Lunch: Two pineapple hot dogs, two whole wheat hot dog buns, pineapple, satsumas
Dinner: Pulled pork with coleslaw on a sesame bun, satsumas
Cross your fingers for a good weigh-in! I'll be checking in tomorrow night :)
Monday, January 14, 2013
No answers yet...
This morning was Amelia's allergy appointment. I was under the impression that we were going to be doing testing today, but it was just a consult appointment. We have a prescription for Flonase to help with her seasonal allergies. She has "springtime" allergies like grasses and I'm assuming some sort of tree, but the doctor says that Amelia has inflammation in her nose, so we're going to start this and see if that clears her up. We also got a referral to an ENT because her tonsils are ginormous. AND, we are also probably going to end up getting her a medical alert bracelet because she is allergic to pennicilin and Keflex. The doctor says that these meds are forever out because a second reaction will most likely be a fatal one...so...YIKES! We will go in in two weeks for her scratch test to see her other allergies. Dr. Montelbano says there isn't a skin test for pickles (which is on Amelia's list) so I have to take a pickle with us...that makes me laugh for some reason.
I had to take her to get blood drawn because she is allergic to bees we think. That was traumatic and I'm not sure if it was worse for Amelia or me!! Holding down my screaming baby while they dug around in her arm for a vein was NOT the way I wanted to spend my morning. My poor Amelia!! It made me so sad!
So, after talking with the doctor, I don't think I realized the scope of Amelia's allergies...I knew she had reactions her and there, but when you're talking about them all systematically with a physician, it's eye opening...she has a lot of things on her list!! We're still ruling things in/out, but listing out all of the things was daunting. It will be a relief to have a difinitive list. Give her a food and praying she didn't die isn't really how I like to fly as a parent.
The rest of my day was exhausting! Students, three meetings after work in the span of two hours, getting home from work late...a lockdown drill at the end of the day. That was our first lockdown drill since the disastrous events in Connecticut and honestly it was a little heart-stopping to hear the principal announce that it was a lockdown...even in drill form. I had my students in my office, we taped our paper over the window, and turned out lights off. We sat in silence as the principal made her rounds to ensure that we were doing our drill correctly. When the drill was over, the second graders I had in my office had many questions. Why do we practice that? What would you do if a bad man kicked in our door? Would a chainsaw cut through my office door? Would you die for us like that one teacher did? I answered their questions as best I could while maintaining my composure. I reassured them that I would do the best I could do to keep them safe. That I loved them all very much and that I would do everything I could to make sure they made it home to their mommas. Then. we went on playing our speech game and I watched them intently while my mind went spinning. What WOULD I do if confronted with a gunman at our school? Would I be able to fight him off? Would I be able to keep those kids alive? Would I be able to go about my duties as their teacher without my own children's faces flooding into my head?
These are scary times we live in, and there are many times that events stop me in my tracks and have me reflecting on my own life. What I would do...what I wouldn't do...and yet, at the same time, I try not to let these things get in my head. I think that if there is anything that my past has taught me, it is that life is unpredictable. One day things can be going on as if everything is perfecct. Perfect family...perfect husband...perfect job....perfect life. And then, that can all change on a dime. So, I have tried hard to remember not to worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of it's own. Live in the moment. Take in every breath and every moment. Live each day as if it will be your last day! Love fiercely...never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. I probably do this to a fault. I'm sure my friends and family get tired of it, but I try to let them know just how much they mean to me. Because one day, you might wake up and they're gone...I bought a picture to hang in my house shortly after Brian died to try and help me remember the little things. It's been one of my New Year goals to try and remember these things:
"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change, kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy!"
So, I urge all of you to follow these guidelines also...but most importantly, love each other! And tell each other how much they mean to you! You just never know what the next phone call will be...there are only a few regrets I have in my life. And they all center around not telling people what they meant to me until it was too late. So, don't make that mistake! Right now! Call your mommas and thank them for all they've done for you. Write a letter to your favorite teacher to let them know what they meant to you and how they impacted where you are right now! Facebook message that person in high school that helped you through a rough day! For you may never get the chance to do it...so, now that you can - GO!
Food for the Day:
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Clubhouse sandwich, side salad with 1000 Island (use your fork to dip in the dressing rather than pour it on your salad! Saves LOTS of calories!) Two pieces of See's chocolates
Dinner: Pulled pork on a sesame bun
Dessert: See's lollipop
I had to take her to get blood drawn because she is allergic to bees we think. That was traumatic and I'm not sure if it was worse for Amelia or me!! Holding down my screaming baby while they dug around in her arm for a vein was NOT the way I wanted to spend my morning. My poor Amelia!! It made me so sad!
So, after talking with the doctor, I don't think I realized the scope of Amelia's allergies...I knew she had reactions her and there, but when you're talking about them all systematically with a physician, it's eye opening...she has a lot of things on her list!! We're still ruling things in/out, but listing out all of the things was daunting. It will be a relief to have a difinitive list. Give her a food and praying she didn't die isn't really how I like to fly as a parent.
The rest of my day was exhausting! Students, three meetings after work in the span of two hours, getting home from work late...a lockdown drill at the end of the day. That was our first lockdown drill since the disastrous events in Connecticut and honestly it was a little heart-stopping to hear the principal announce that it was a lockdown...even in drill form. I had my students in my office, we taped our paper over the window, and turned out lights off. We sat in silence as the principal made her rounds to ensure that we were doing our drill correctly. When the drill was over, the second graders I had in my office had many questions. Why do we practice that? What would you do if a bad man kicked in our door? Would a chainsaw cut through my office door? Would you die for us like that one teacher did? I answered their questions as best I could while maintaining my composure. I reassured them that I would do the best I could do to keep them safe. That I loved them all very much and that I would do everything I could to make sure they made it home to their mommas. Then. we went on playing our speech game and I watched them intently while my mind went spinning. What WOULD I do if confronted with a gunman at our school? Would I be able to fight him off? Would I be able to keep those kids alive? Would I be able to go about my duties as their teacher without my own children's faces flooding into my head?
These are scary times we live in, and there are many times that events stop me in my tracks and have me reflecting on my own life. What I would do...what I wouldn't do...and yet, at the same time, I try not to let these things get in my head. I think that if there is anything that my past has taught me, it is that life is unpredictable. One day things can be going on as if everything is perfecct. Perfect family...perfect husband...perfect job....perfect life. And then, that can all change on a dime. So, I have tried hard to remember not to worry about tomorrow. Today has enough troubles of it's own. Live in the moment. Take in every breath and every moment. Live each day as if it will be your last day! Love fiercely...never miss an opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to you. I probably do this to a fault. I'm sure my friends and family get tired of it, but I try to let them know just how much they mean to me. Because one day, you might wake up and they're gone...I bought a picture to hang in my house shortly after Brian died to try and help me remember the little things. It's been one of my New Year goals to try and remember these things:
"Laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can't change, kiss slowly, forgive quickly, play hard, take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy!"
So, I urge all of you to follow these guidelines also...but most importantly, love each other! And tell each other how much they mean to you! You just never know what the next phone call will be...there are only a few regrets I have in my life. And they all center around not telling people what they meant to me until it was too late. So, don't make that mistake! Right now! Call your mommas and thank them for all they've done for you. Write a letter to your favorite teacher to let them know what they meant to you and how they impacted where you are right now! Facebook message that person in high school that helped you through a rough day! For you may never get the chance to do it...so, now that you can - GO!
Food for the Day:
Breakfast: Nothing
Lunch: Clubhouse sandwich, side salad with 1000 Island (use your fork to dip in the dressing rather than pour it on your salad! Saves LOTS of calories!) Two pieces of See's chocolates
Dinner: Pulled pork on a sesame bun
Dessert: See's lollipop
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Allergies...
I bet you thought I was going to write about the big game today...well, I think this will be all I will say: Congratulations, Seahawks! I have always rooted for the Seahawks, have always been a Seahawks fan, and will always be a Seahawks fan. The next seven months are going to be loooooong....but I'll make it. The end of the season makes me so sad! As I stated in my earlier post, I love football, so the season ending is kinda like losing my best friend...I'm not sure who I'm going to root for now, although Atlanta seems like an OK team. I'm NOT rooting for the 49ers...or the Patriots...and I'm not too fond of the Ravens...so, I guess Atlanta will be my pick!! And that is all that I'm going to say about football...the wounds are too fresh :)
NOW, onto my topic for tonight: allergies. Amelia was my firstborn...my precious little angel and my first shot at parenthood. So, at her one-year checkup, when her pediatrician said we could introduce eggs to her diet, we came home, make her some scrambled eggs, and got out the camera to document her new food step. It wasn't long before I noticed the single red dot on her face...a red circle with a little "white head" center right on her cheek. I looked at Brian. "Um...what is that?" thinking that Mr. EMT would know what was going on. "I dunno..." And then more appeared...on her other cheek...on her chin...all around her mouth...on her hands...I realized that she was having an allergic reaction and called her pediatrician who told us to give her Benedryl and watch her for signs of difficulty breathing...so much for a Kodak moment. They told us to never give her eggs again for a while. But there was still something not right. At 18 months we went in for her checkup and they gave her her immunizations for that checkup. The next day we woke up to a kiddo who was not the same Amelia. She screamed and cried and banged her head on the floor...she wanted to sit in our laps, but didn't want us to touch her. She would wake up from nap and scream for the next four hours solid. Brian was usually at work so I sat alone, usually next to Amelia screaming, tears streaming down my own face as I struggled to understand what was wrong. Amelia had reflux horribly from the time she was born and had been on baby Prilosec for most of her little life. I wondered if it was getting worse. Also, being that I work in the field of special education, my heart sank as I watched her perform the typical habits of children with Autism or Aspergers. My heart was a wreck as I took her to the pediatrician and told her that I was pretty certain that Amelia was Aspergers...Dr. Reimer smiled at me and said, "No, she's not Aspergers. Her language is better than mine and yours combined (Amelia was speaking in full sentences by 9 months old.) and she is very social." I immediately breathed a sigh of relief and then Dr. Reimer said, "But, I'm fairly certain she has Sensory Processing Disorder." I had heard of this before, but hadn't had any specific students or memories to draw from, so I was again heartbroken. You never want to hear that there is something wrong with your kid, but I knew I needed to get to work. Dr. Reimer wanted to rule out a few things first, so we went for an upper GI, which proved that she did indeed have reflux. The barium they gave her came up immediately. We also did a blood test for food allergies, which I knew egg might be on the list, but didn't think anything else would. The next night Dr. Reimer called me and told me to stop her milk immediately, that she was highly allergic to milk. She then requested that I make an appointment with her to discuss this. It turned out the Amelia is allergic to milk proteins, casein and whey. If you're curious about this, start reading labels to see if you find any form of dairy in food, and specifically casein and whey. When Dr. Reimer told me my first step was to cut out all foods with casein and whey in them, I put Amelia to bed, left Brian at home, and headed for the grocery store to find things for my baby to eat. EVERYTHING in the store had casein and whey...EVERYTHING! I called my mom from Aisle 5 at Safeway sobbing that I didn't know what my baby was going to eat...her favorite foods of all time: milk, cheese, yogurt...it was sad! But, to save her life and make her happier, we cut everything out. She would beg for cheese and yogurt...and we'd have to tell her "No!" It was a rough transition.
Months went by and we would be eating something and she would have a reaction. By the time we started preschool in the fall of 2009, her allergy list included eggs, dairy, pickles, maraschino cherries, tomatoes, and ketchup. We were slowly able to add things back into her diet and we challenged her allergies many times. We would give her a little square of cheese and stand next to her with her Benedryl and her EpiPen and hold our breath...as soon as she would eat the cheese her eyes and nose would start draining, hives would appear, and she would start coughing. We've never had to use her EpiPen...Benedryl has always done the trick thank God! But every time she eats, I'm terrified that I will miss something, or that we'll be at a restaurant and they'll accidentally put cheese on her sandwich. Once she reacted to halibut at a restaurant and we figured there must have been cheese or something that fell in the batter.
Amelia's best advocate? Herself! From the very beginning we have explained to Amelia that she could die if she is not careful. And she understands this. She is always asking and questioning...Does this have cheese? Does this have milk? Is this baked? What kind of frosting is that? She is amazing for five...even when she was two years old, she knew what she could and couldn't have. We went on a field trip with her class at the end of her two-year-preschool year. They gathered all of the kids for snack and the child who brought snack that day chose goldfish crackers and chocolate milk. The teacher handed Amelia a cup full of fish and she said, "I can't have any of that!" I've always been super proud of Amelia and how she handles her allergies.
This summer, Amelia was running around outside barefoot. She stepped on a bee and it stung her toe next to her big toe.. A few hours later she was telling me she needed a cane or something, that it hurt to walk on her foot. I rolled my eyes and told her to suck it up, like the kind, caring momma I am. As I'm tucking her into bed, I catch sight of her foot. It's swollen so badly I can't see her toes and it's hot a red clear up to her knee. We take her to the emergency room where they inform us that she is indeed allergic to bees also. That was when her pediatrician decided that we needed to see an allergist.
So, tomorrow morning, we are headed to the allergists office to do our allergy testing. Amelia is going with the hope that they will tell her we were wrong all of these years...I know that this won't happen, but I am going to be so relieved to be able to nail down exactly what she is allergic to...guessing is rough, and it's so stressful trying new foods and praying that she won't have a reaction. So, blog readers, please send us your prayers tomorrow starting around 8:00 a.m. as we head to get our testing. Pray the doctor can determine what her allergies are. Pray that Amelia doesn't have a severe reaction during the testing. Pray that all will be well! And, if you'd like, pray that Amelia will be able to eat cheese, because that's what Amelia really wants out of this :)
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Um...I'm just going to say, "Thank God for our extra weekly bonus points." and plead the 5th...football food is the worst! I'm hoping the damage wasn't that bad... :) I didn't track, but my best estimate would be:
Pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw, BBQ Popchips, tortilla chips with bean dip, more chocolate chip cookies than anyone should have in one sitting, some crackers and cheese, and two beers...no idea how many points I ate, but with 41 daily points and 48 weekly points that I didn't dip into at all yet, I'm thinking I'll be OK :) So, yay for the WW program! That's why I love it!
NOW, onto my topic for tonight: allergies. Amelia was my firstborn...my precious little angel and my first shot at parenthood. So, at her one-year checkup, when her pediatrician said we could introduce eggs to her diet, we came home, make her some scrambled eggs, and got out the camera to document her new food step. It wasn't long before I noticed the single red dot on her face...a red circle with a little "white head" center right on her cheek. I looked at Brian. "Um...what is that?" thinking that Mr. EMT would know what was going on. "I dunno..." And then more appeared...on her other cheek...on her chin...all around her mouth...on her hands...I realized that she was having an allergic reaction and called her pediatrician who told us to give her Benedryl and watch her for signs of difficulty breathing...so much for a Kodak moment. They told us to never give her eggs again for a while. But there was still something not right. At 18 months we went in for her checkup and they gave her her immunizations for that checkup. The next day we woke up to a kiddo who was not the same Amelia. She screamed and cried and banged her head on the floor...she wanted to sit in our laps, but didn't want us to touch her. She would wake up from nap and scream for the next four hours solid. Brian was usually at work so I sat alone, usually next to Amelia screaming, tears streaming down my own face as I struggled to understand what was wrong. Amelia had reflux horribly from the time she was born and had been on baby Prilosec for most of her little life. I wondered if it was getting worse. Also, being that I work in the field of special education, my heart sank as I watched her perform the typical habits of children with Autism or Aspergers. My heart was a wreck as I took her to the pediatrician and told her that I was pretty certain that Amelia was Aspergers...Dr. Reimer smiled at me and said, "No, she's not Aspergers. Her language is better than mine and yours combined (Amelia was speaking in full sentences by 9 months old.) and she is very social." I immediately breathed a sigh of relief and then Dr. Reimer said, "But, I'm fairly certain she has Sensory Processing Disorder." I had heard of this before, but hadn't had any specific students or memories to draw from, so I was again heartbroken. You never want to hear that there is something wrong with your kid, but I knew I needed to get to work. Dr. Reimer wanted to rule out a few things first, so we went for an upper GI, which proved that she did indeed have reflux. The barium they gave her came up immediately. We also did a blood test for food allergies, which I knew egg might be on the list, but didn't think anything else would. The next night Dr. Reimer called me and told me to stop her milk immediately, that she was highly allergic to milk. She then requested that I make an appointment with her to discuss this. It turned out the Amelia is allergic to milk proteins, casein and whey. If you're curious about this, start reading labels to see if you find any form of dairy in food, and specifically casein and whey. When Dr. Reimer told me my first step was to cut out all foods with casein and whey in them, I put Amelia to bed, left Brian at home, and headed for the grocery store to find things for my baby to eat. EVERYTHING in the store had casein and whey...EVERYTHING! I called my mom from Aisle 5 at Safeway sobbing that I didn't know what my baby was going to eat...her favorite foods of all time: milk, cheese, yogurt...it was sad! But, to save her life and make her happier, we cut everything out. She would beg for cheese and yogurt...and we'd have to tell her "No!" It was a rough transition.
Months went by and we would be eating something and she would have a reaction. By the time we started preschool in the fall of 2009, her allergy list included eggs, dairy, pickles, maraschino cherries, tomatoes, and ketchup. We were slowly able to add things back into her diet and we challenged her allergies many times. We would give her a little square of cheese and stand next to her with her Benedryl and her EpiPen and hold our breath...as soon as she would eat the cheese her eyes and nose would start draining, hives would appear, and she would start coughing. We've never had to use her EpiPen...Benedryl has always done the trick thank God! But every time she eats, I'm terrified that I will miss something, or that we'll be at a restaurant and they'll accidentally put cheese on her sandwich. Once she reacted to halibut at a restaurant and we figured there must have been cheese or something that fell in the batter.
Amelia's best advocate? Herself! From the very beginning we have explained to Amelia that she could die if she is not careful. And she understands this. She is always asking and questioning...Does this have cheese? Does this have milk? Is this baked? What kind of frosting is that? She is amazing for five...even when she was two years old, she knew what she could and couldn't have. We went on a field trip with her class at the end of her two-year-preschool year. They gathered all of the kids for snack and the child who brought snack that day chose goldfish crackers and chocolate milk. The teacher handed Amelia a cup full of fish and she said, "I can't have any of that!" I've always been super proud of Amelia and how she handles her allergies.
This summer, Amelia was running around outside barefoot. She stepped on a bee and it stung her toe next to her big toe.. A few hours later she was telling me she needed a cane or something, that it hurt to walk on her foot. I rolled my eyes and told her to suck it up, like the kind, caring momma I am. As I'm tucking her into bed, I catch sight of her foot. It's swollen so badly I can't see her toes and it's hot a red clear up to her knee. We take her to the emergency room where they inform us that she is indeed allergic to bees also. That was when her pediatrician decided that we needed to see an allergist.
So, tomorrow morning, we are headed to the allergists office to do our allergy testing. Amelia is going with the hope that they will tell her we were wrong all of these years...I know that this won't happen, but I am going to be so relieved to be able to nail down exactly what she is allergic to...guessing is rough, and it's so stressful trying new foods and praying that she won't have a reaction. So, blog readers, please send us your prayers tomorrow starting around 8:00 a.m. as we head to get our testing. Pray the doctor can determine what her allergies are. Pray that Amelia doesn't have a severe reaction during the testing. Pray that all will be well! And, if you'd like, pray that Amelia will be able to eat cheese, because that's what Amelia really wants out of this :)
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Um...I'm just going to say, "Thank God for our extra weekly bonus points." and plead the 5th...football food is the worst! I'm hoping the damage wasn't that bad... :) I didn't track, but my best estimate would be:
Pulled pork sandwich with coleslaw, BBQ Popchips, tortilla chips with bean dip, more chocolate chip cookies than anyone should have in one sitting, some crackers and cheese, and two beers...no idea how many points I ate, but with 41 daily points and 48 weekly points that I didn't dip into at all yet, I'm thinking I'll be OK :) So, yay for the WW program! That's why I love it!
Saturday, January 12, 2013
A day late...
I missed yesterday blogging for the first time since I started, but I just didn't have time. The girls and I had dinner and fun time with some great friends and we didn't get home until later. So, bath and bed routine beat out blogging...I'm sure you all have no idea what to do with your Friday night without hearing from me...ha!
So, today is Saturday. So, it's basically just a day to catch up on chores. I got the laundry all washed and it's ready to fold. The house picked up. Then, around noon I got a headache that took me down for a bit. I laid on the couch and tried to kick it. But, I needed to head to the grocery store so I sucked it up and went to Safeway (thanks, mom!). I'm having a few people over tomorrow morning to watch the Seahawks beat Atlanta...YAY! If you would like to join us, please do! The more the merrier...just bring something to share :) I'm making pulled pork sandwiches...my FAVORITE!! So, it should be a fun day. I might even have a beer...if I have 4 points left to spare!
My food choices lately have been good, but I have been SO hungry! And not feeling great makes it harder for me. When I have a headache I tend to want to eat, until it gets to the point where I'm nauseous...which is NOW. So, no more eating today, but I've been snacking on things that a shouldn't. A few M&Ms here, some fish crackers there...hopefully I've saved enough spare points today that it will just take care of what I've consumed. Grr...
I stayed off of Pinterest as long as I possibly could, but now that I got sucked into signing up, I'm hooked!! I found a pin that was 27 fruits and veggies you can grow from scraps. I try my hand at gardening every spring and summer and usually get a few good things out of it, so I thought I would give this a try. My first attempt was with celery. According to the pin, all I had to do was chop the celery off of the stalk, and put the stalk with the nubbin (lol...not sure that's a real word, but my friends and family use it all the time..so, I'll let you figure out what end I mean...) side down in a bowl with warm water. Leave it there for a few days, changing the water every so often with warm water. I'm pleased to report that this is WORKING! SEE???
So, I'm going to try the other things and maybe we'll be able to expand our little garden throughout the spring and summer months. I love farm-fresh fruits and veggies and we have gotten some great stuff from our previous yields: carrots, peas, potatoes, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, tomatoes, and more! My soil is mostly clay, which makes it hard to grow, but thanks to Lynn and Royce, I have four raised beds I'm going to plant this spring! And I'm going to try my hand at container gardening. There have also been other fabulous ideas on Pinterest, so hopefully they go from being pins to being amazingness in my yard!!
OK...so, its bath time soon...and I'm excited because that means that bed is shortly after :) So, good night to you all!! I'll post my menus from the last TWO days since I was lazy and didn't do yesterday!! I hope to start incorporate walking into my routine soon. I have an app that I found that I have on my iPhone that it a couch to 10K program so...a friend at work asked me to join her in the Portland 1/2 marathon in October...I can do that maybe!! So, training better commence NOW!! Wish me luck...
FOOD FOR FRIDAY:
Breakfast: None
Lunch: Footlong Subway turkey breast with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, mustard, lite mayo, pepper, and vinegar, Baked Original Lays, and two pieces of See's chocolate
Dinner: 2 and a half pieces pubhouse battered halibut, baked french fries, salad with lite Ranch, green beans, corn
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: None
Lunch: Pulled Pork with Open Nature Whole Wheat Sandwich Roll
Dinner: Two Aidells Pineapple chicken hot dogs (best things EVER! Safeway sent them to me once when I ordered online groceries for free to try, and they were amazing, but hard to find! They had them today so we stocked up!! Try them!! Seriously!!) with Open Nature hot dog buns, sweet relish, mustard, and ketchup.
Extras: miscellaneous crap that I managed to nibble on throughout the day...which hopefully doesn't add up to more than nine points :( THIS is not how you're supposed to work the program, but some days...ugh...
GO SEAHAWKS!! Like I said...if you want to join the party, come on over!!
So, today is Saturday. So, it's basically just a day to catch up on chores. I got the laundry all washed and it's ready to fold. The house picked up. Then, around noon I got a headache that took me down for a bit. I laid on the couch and tried to kick it. But, I needed to head to the grocery store so I sucked it up and went to Safeway (thanks, mom!). I'm having a few people over tomorrow morning to watch the Seahawks beat Atlanta...YAY! If you would like to join us, please do! The more the merrier...just bring something to share :) I'm making pulled pork sandwiches...my FAVORITE!! So, it should be a fun day. I might even have a beer...if I have 4 points left to spare!
My food choices lately have been good, but I have been SO hungry! And not feeling great makes it harder for me. When I have a headache I tend to want to eat, until it gets to the point where I'm nauseous...which is NOW. So, no more eating today, but I've been snacking on things that a shouldn't. A few M&Ms here, some fish crackers there...hopefully I've saved enough spare points today that it will just take care of what I've consumed. Grr...
I stayed off of Pinterest as long as I possibly could, but now that I got sucked into signing up, I'm hooked!! I found a pin that was 27 fruits and veggies you can grow from scraps. I try my hand at gardening every spring and summer and usually get a few good things out of it, so I thought I would give this a try. My first attempt was with celery. According to the pin, all I had to do was chop the celery off of the stalk, and put the stalk with the nubbin (lol...not sure that's a real word, but my friends and family use it all the time..so, I'll let you figure out what end I mean...) side down in a bowl with warm water. Leave it there for a few days, changing the water every so often with warm water. I'm pleased to report that this is WORKING! SEE???
So, I'm going to try the other things and maybe we'll be able to expand our little garden throughout the spring and summer months. I love farm-fresh fruits and veggies and we have gotten some great stuff from our previous yields: carrots, peas, potatoes, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries, tomatoes, and more! My soil is mostly clay, which makes it hard to grow, but thanks to Lynn and Royce, I have four raised beds I'm going to plant this spring! And I'm going to try my hand at container gardening. There have also been other fabulous ideas on Pinterest, so hopefully they go from being pins to being amazingness in my yard!!
OK...so, its bath time soon...and I'm excited because that means that bed is shortly after :) So, good night to you all!! I'll post my menus from the last TWO days since I was lazy and didn't do yesterday!! I hope to start incorporate walking into my routine soon. I have an app that I found that I have on my iPhone that it a couch to 10K program so...a friend at work asked me to join her in the Portland 1/2 marathon in October...I can do that maybe!! So, training better commence NOW!! Wish me luck...
FOOD FOR FRIDAY:
Breakfast: None
Lunch: Footlong Subway turkey breast with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, onions, mustard, lite mayo, pepper, and vinegar, Baked Original Lays, and two pieces of See's chocolate
Dinner: 2 and a half pieces pubhouse battered halibut, baked french fries, salad with lite Ranch, green beans, corn
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: None
Lunch: Pulled Pork with Open Nature Whole Wheat Sandwich Roll
Dinner: Two Aidells Pineapple chicken hot dogs (best things EVER! Safeway sent them to me once when I ordered online groceries for free to try, and they were amazing, but hard to find! They had them today so we stocked up!! Try them!! Seriously!!) with Open Nature hot dog buns, sweet relish, mustard, and ketchup.
Extras: miscellaneous crap that I managed to nibble on throughout the day...which hopefully doesn't add up to more than nine points :( THIS is not how you're supposed to work the program, but some days...ugh...
GO SEAHAWKS!! Like I said...if you want to join the party, come on over!!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
*YAWN*
I am super tired...like falling asleep at the dinner table tired...so this isn't going to be any sort of brilliant post today. I was too tired to cook so sandwiches were on the menu...no pictures of food...no amazing recipes...no words of wisdom or insight. I'm a little bit grumpy...but, I get to have my girls here with me at home, which makes my heart happy! I love my girls more than anything! And they bring me such joy and happiness...even on days where I'm exhausted and tired and headachy and wanting to go to bed.
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: Smart Ones English Muffin Sandwich with Turkey Canadian Bacon, Starbucks Venti unsweetened passion fruit iced tea
Lunch: More pulled pork sandwiches, two satsumas, blueberries, 1 piece See's chocolate
Dinner: Turkey sandwich with miracle whip, mustard, and onion, ranch tortilla Popchips
Dessert: See's lollipop
Pretty boring food day I suppose, but these days are important to have. The girls had lots of leftovers from lunches
FOOD FOR THE DAY:
Breakfast: Smart Ones English Muffin Sandwich with Turkey Canadian Bacon, Starbucks Venti unsweetened passion fruit iced tea
Lunch: More pulled pork sandwiches, two satsumas, blueberries, 1 piece See's chocolate
Dinner: Turkey sandwich with miracle whip, mustard, and onion, ranch tortilla Popchips
Dessert: See's lollipop
Pretty boring food day I suppose, but these days are important to have. The girls had lots of leftovers from lunches
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