I quit!

I quit!  Yup...I quit.  I quit blogging.  I quit thinking. I quit feeling.  I quit WeightWatchers.  I quit life some days.  I don't think I'm ready to divulge all that has gone on in my life in a public forum, but I haven't exactly had an easy time the past few years.  In short, life has been a roller coaster and I'm not sure who's running it, but they are not letting me off when I want.  So in a desperate attempt to control some aspect of my life, I joined WeightWatchers and started blogging.  And in my blog I talked about allergies and food and how great I was doing and my seizures, when in reality it was all a farce...all a charade, trying to trick my readers, or probably more myself, into thinking life was all roses and turkey burgers.  Well, I'm blogging again, and I've joined Weight Watchers again.  And I'm not saying that life is all roses and turkey burgers now, but I am willing to come onto my blog, this very public forum, and admit that the best I can do is say that I am a work in progress.  That somewhere under the facade that I work so hard to keep, that one side of me smiles and tells everyone that I'm fine.  And the other side of me hides deep, dark secrets and disturbing thoughts.  Thoughts that are mine, not yours, and I have come to realize that no one is allowed to judge me.  No one is allowed to come into my world, and try to tell me how I should think or feel or know and have never walked a step in my shoes.

So, I quit...because eating a Big Mac, or two, felt better than sticking with things.  I couldn't even control my own emotions, how on earth was I going to calculate how many points were really in that secret sauce.  So I ate...and I ate...and I ate...and I'm sad to report to my faithful followers, all what two of them, that I have gained lots back.  Lots...and when I say lots I'm 274 lots...jeans that just a few months ago were going to go into the too big pile are now back in the too small pile.  All my effort and all my trying and my running and my tallying points went down the drain.  You see, my last round of sh!tasticness (I'm saying that's a word, even though the editor thingy wants to highlight it in yellow.  Or maybe God's making it yellow, trying to shame me into coming up with a different word, but I call it like it is.)  Where were we...oh yes, my last round of sh!tasticness came to a head in the month of October.  And honestly, without leading you down a path that I'm not quite ready to post on an open forum, that October was jam-packed full of fun.  So, honestly, I have a fear of October, which may be appropriate since it's the month of Halloween.  I know that it's just a month.  Trust me I know!!  I've told myself that, friends have told me that, family has told me that, my therapist has told me that.  But, seriously?  The anxiety that I have about October is paralyzing, and it's starting earlier and earlier every year.  I think that this year it actually started in mid-September.  The worrying and analyzing my feelings, the stress...yeah...stress.  And if you read back to some of my other posts, I AM A STRESS EATER!!!!!!  Argh...so when October rolled around and I began my spiral downward (while trying to make myself look as normal as possible) I began to eat.  And eat and eat and eat.  Christmas came and New Years and I thought, "Whew!!  It's all behind me and I can move forward."  So, I started this blog.  And that was great.  I typed out my feelings, and my meals for the day.  People cheered me on.  I ate healthier and better.  And life was grand.  Or that was my plan to show everyone.  So, I pushed forward and typed and ate great.  And then I exploded.  It was too much to take.  Too much heartache and pretending that I was OK and struggling with my weight and feeling like the biggest failure in the world.  A failure to my children.  A failure to my family.  A failure to my friends.  A failure to God and my church.  A failure to myself.  So, I ate some more.  Until finally, one day I realized, that my jeans didn't fit me anymore.  What did I do?  What happened?  Why did I let myself get this way...AGAIN!  I wallowed in my self-pity...and ate a little bit more.  Then, I sucked it up and went back to WeightWatchers.  I stepped on the scale, terrified at what it would say.  I stepped off the scale and saw the number: 284.  Ouch...I started sobbing, right in the middle of WeightWatchers.  I don't weigh in at a meeting.  They cancelled my meeting so I just run in to weigh in and be done.  But I probably would have done the same thing even if there was a meeting.  I bawled...I was devastated...it was like the final blow.  What was I going to do?  How was I going to survive this?  What would I say to my friends and family?  Why am I always such a failure when it comes to my weight.  I mean, jeez, I have my Masters degree...you would think I could figure this out.  But my leader, Michelle, took my hand and walked me to the wall of products.  She opened one of the kits and took out a book.  She said, "I know that you bought this when you came to me in January.  Have you had a chance to look at it?" I shook my head as the tears poured down my face and I started doing that thing where you're sucking air awkwardly.  She smiled and said, "I'm giving you homework.  You need to go home, and pull your book out.  Turn to page 15 and fill it out."  I looked at what she was showing me and it was a page titled: Your Strengths.  I shook my head and told her that I couldn't do that.  She told me to not focus on the weight, that my strengths aren't tied to my weight.  So, I told her I would try.  On the page is a list numbered to 10.  And here are the strengths that I added to that page that night:

1) I am good at playing the piano.
2) I do my best to be the best mom I can be
3) I am good at making cupcakes
4) I can make people laugh
5) I am very observant and notice everything...even little things
6) I try my best to be a good friend
7) I think I am smart
8) I like to entertain and host parties
9) I think that I am good at my job
10) I try to do my best to please everyone

Now that I feel like I'm on the mend from this latest fall off the wagon, I re-read my list.  Tonight actually as I was thinking about what to put in my blog and I just have to say - What a pathetic list!  If this was an assignment I had given to one of my kids at school, I would have had a talk with them.  This list, although it does discuss some of my strengths, is full of "I think" and "I try" and I don't feel like that is good enough.  Those phrases are what wraps me up in this cycle.  Everyone I come into contact with would probably tell you how confident I am.  How sure of myself I am.  Well, people, it's all a facade.  My personality leans more towards shy, believe it or not, but as I've grown up, I have forced myself to be the life of the party.  The strong, confident person that most of you think I am.  But my self-esteem is the lowest it has ever been and I continue through my days letting everyone think that I am confident and ready to take on the world.

So, in an effort to kick this thing off right, I'm re-writing my list the way it should have read in the first place.  Not a half-hearted attempt at completing an assignment, but a list that I can refer to in those times when I feel my world is crumbling apart.  When the Big Mac is on the table and I only have 9 points left for my day (Big Macs are 14 points by the way!).  When I want to melt into a puddle and sob my day away.  So...here's my new list, loosely based on the old one.

1) I play the piano, and it is my therapy.  I play with emotion, and have brought many crowds to their feet throughout my 32 years of playing.  I am very good at playing and I want to pass that on to my children.
2) I am the best mom in the world!  Amelia and Emerson are happy, healthy, loved, and they know they are loved.  I will not allow myself to feel guilty about leaving them to work because they NEED me to work so that we can have all of the things that we have.  I give them exactly what they need, when they need it and we are the best family we can be!
3) I make cupcakes that make others happy.  In the simple act of baking I have helped kids celebrate birthdays with owls and nail polish and Minnie Mouse.  I have welcomed home a Navy dad from deployment.  I have made people smile and oooh and aaah.  I have formed bonds with my daughters as they helped me bake, even winning fair ribbons and having the experience of others thinking that our cupcakes were good too.
4) I am funny and joyful and fun to be around.  I got my father's quick wit and I thank him for that.  I can tell jokes and tell stories, and make people laugh...and that's all I want to do!
5) I am observant and notice everything.  I see when people are hurting and need a friend.  I see when someone is happy and needs someone to celebrate with.  I notice when parents are angry and I need to change the direction of the conversation.  I know when a kid needs an extra hug that day.  I know when my own kids have had a tough day and we need to fix it with hugs and love and ice cream (or sorbet!).
6) I am a good friend!  I'm a great friend.  I love like I won't ever get hurt.  I am loyal and compassionate and I take care of the people that are closest to me.  I remember birthdays and anniversaries.  I send cards when someone needs a pick-me-up.  I love being a friend and I love having friends.
7) I AM smart.  I graduated high school with a 3.997 GPA taking 6 AP classes, 1375 on my SATs, and 8th in my class of 410.  I completed all the requirements to go to medical school.  I graduated from UW with both a B.S. in Speech and Hearing Sciences and an M.S. in Speech-Language Pathology.  I now have a successful career.  I am smart.
8) I am very good at entertaining and hosting parties.  I love the organization of it.  The planning and decorating and getting the food together and cooking.  I love having people in our house and I love being with people!
9) I am a great speech therapist.  I love my job and I love working with the kids.  I can assess a student and diagnose them with a speech or language disorder.  I can set up treatment plans and take data (most of the time...HA!).  I can exit kids knowing that I did the best job I could for that child.  I am passionate about social skills and am constantly trying to better myself in that area. 
10) I can only please ME.  I can't please everyone and I'm never going to please everyone.  I need to understand that I need to take care of me.

So...what is the point of this long, rambling blog post (and this is making the assumption that you continued reading this far)?  I quit!  But I'm back.  And like the million times I've tried to lose weight before, it's a never give up attitude that counts.  Life presents you with many challenges where you are going to want to quit.  And I've come up with a good selection of them along the way.  But, you can't quit!  There is so much to see...so much to do...so much to live for!  We are all struggling on this ride called life.  Some of you may be in the same boat as me with weight being your struggle.  Or heartbreak.  Or cancer.  Or death of a loved one.  We all have things that happen where we would rather throw up our hands and quit.  I'm guilty!  Over the last few years I've quit many times.  But I've always come back.

Make your list of at least 10 strengths, but make them like my second list.  Confident.  Sure.  True to what others see about you.  Because you can quit as many times as you'd like.  Just make sure that you're getting back up.  As I move through this life that I've been given, I suddenly realize there's one more thing to add to my list of strengths.  I am a survivor and a fighter!  And I'm not going to ever, ever quit!